Dude my mom stole all your condoms
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
