so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
