i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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