I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
