my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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