Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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