She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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