so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
