Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
We were destined to go to rehab together
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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