i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
