There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
