How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
