You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
