I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
