She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
