haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I met the friendliest cop last night
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
