Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
