Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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