My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
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Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize