i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
