Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
she smelled like a LAN party
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
