I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
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All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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