Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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