you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
