drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
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You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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