I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
