I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
