hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
