people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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