"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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