Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
