If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
