You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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