Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
