Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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