Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
