I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
