I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..