my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.