He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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