There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
