Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
