The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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