im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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