I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
