I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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