I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
