just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
