I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
