I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Found the puke drawer
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
