If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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