I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
