so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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