we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
