Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm getting married
To pizza
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
